GRACE, TEGAN JANE

[ohmyyemilyy]

TEGANJANEGRACE

'ALRIGHT NOW THAT WE KNOW YOU NAME LETS GET DOWN TO BASICS. WHY DID YOUR PARENTS NAME YOU THAT? ANY

BIG SIGNIFICANCE TO YOUR NAME?'

Not really. See, my mom's name is Allison, and people called her AJ. And she wanted to be able to call

her kid TJ. And then... I guess that mentality kept going, because all of us are TJ Graces- all four of my brothers

and me. Crazy, huh?

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HOW ABOUT YOUR AGE, HOW OLD ARE YOU? ARE YOU IN COLLEGE OR HIGHSCHOOL, WHAT GRADE? A SENIOR JUNIOR

SOPHMORE OR FRESHMAN?'

I turned 17 July 31st. I know that's Harry Potter's birthday. More importantly, it's mine. I'm a

senior now. Hallelujah. I'm just ready to get out of this damn place.

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'THATS NICE, THAT YEAR WAS ALWAYS MY FAVORITE. SO ANYWHO, LETS TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT YOU LIKE,

GIVE ME TEN THINGS THAT YOU ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO DO'

I'm totally into soccer- if you don't know where I am, check the field first. Seriously. I used to

drink coffee obsessively, but now I'm all about herbal tea, since lately the last thing I need is more nervous energy.

Obviously I'm into boys, but I'm trying to avoid getting back into the dating scene... it's too weird. Yellow is my

favorite color, I like to think it's because I'm a cheerful person. I love English, I'd do anything for a good book. I'm a

terrible painter but I really like doing it, so usually I just do it and toss the art when I'm done with it to save myself

the embarrassment of having to show anyone. I don't mind getting attention- in fact, I like it- and I can always get into

a good debate (I actually have offers for a debate scholarship, but I think it's geeky, so it's a secret). Clearly, I like

to talk about myself, and I love being outside, whether it's snowing or raining or sunny- I prefer fresh air to air

conditioning every day of the week.

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'HMM, INTERESTING. WELL YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING..HOW ABOUT DISLIKES?'

There are a lot of things that I used to love that I just... don't do anymore. I used to play piano-

when we were younger my mom stuck all of us into piano lessons so I've been learning since I was like, four, and I'm

seriously good- and I wrote songs, but I stopped. It got too real for me. I can't stand the dark and earthworms really,

really bother me. I hate stories or fiction about shootings- no one has any idea what it feels like to go through

what I've been through- and I hate feeling angry. I'm allergic to cats, so I guess I don't like them, but I love dogs. I

don't like the way my brothers don't pick on me anymore- we used to harrass each other like crazy, but since last year

they've been treating me like I was some stupid porcelain doll, and I hate that. I don't like that quiet whisper-voice

people get whenever they talk about Brayden, I hate feeling guilty and I kind of hate psychologists, even though I used to

want to be one. Now I realize that they're horrible, that most of the people that go don't want to be there and don't want

to think about the things they bring up and don't want to talk about how they feel. I don't like any of that stuff.

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'WOW, THATS VERY INTRIGUING, YOU ARE A STRANGE YET UNIQUE PERSON.. WHY DONT YOU FURTHER ELABORATE ON

YOURSELF, WHAT ARE YOU LIKE?'

I don't like that question. I never know what to say. I liked who I used to be, I really did. Last

year was great. It was kind of like all of the girls wanted to be me and all of the boys wanted to be Brayden- so it just

kind of made sense that we got together, you know? Like it was fate. He was outspoken and fun and smart, and I was quick

-witted and I always said what I was thinking and I was really good at pretending I didn't care what people thought of me.

I was focused on soccer- I want to make the women's national team- and debate, and our relationship was fun and easy and

not exactly exciting. I should have appreciated that more, I guess. I should have just been content that we weren't fighting every ten minutes like some teenage couples and he wasn't pressuring me into sleeping with him like others. I should have just enjoyed it while it lasted instead of wishing something exciting would happen or wishing he would suddenly morph into this deep, intellectual human being, or wishing that the relationship was just over already so we could both move on. Because before I knew it, it was over, but I was the only one doing any moving on. And.... I just can't. It wouldn't be fair.

Truthfully, I don't even know who I am anymore. I know I got better at soccer- I like to run out my aggression, and whenever my mind is too full I find the nearest goal (or anything, really) and shoot until I feel like my legs are both going to fall off- but I don't like going to practice or to games anymore. When I'm playing for the school team, people look at us like the 'school that got shot up'. Even worse, when I'm playing on my competition team, I'm 'the girl whose boyfriend got shot'. I hate being that girl. Apparently that makes me pretty moody, because I'm realizing that I kind of snap at people more often now that he's gone. My brother- Tyler, my twin- said he's worried about me because I'm 'too quiet'. I'm not quiet, I'm just not... boisterous anymore. I know what he's thinking. I used to be fun. Not anymore. I don't care about my appearance anymore, either. I mean, it's not like I go for days without showering or whatever- I just don't put the same effort in as I used to, like wearing heels for no reason and following trends. My collection of hooded sweatshirts has grown and some days I wear my glasses because I just can't be bothered to put in contacts. Brayden isn't around anymore to stick up for me when guys gave me a hard time or to appreciate it when I look good, so... what's the point? Putting effort into being pretty for anyone but Brayden just doesn't seem right. Not when Brayden's... gone.

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'THATS COOL, WELL I KNOW ALL I NEED TO ABOUT YOU..HOW ABOUT THAT FAMILY OF YOURS EH? ARE THEY

NORMAL, MESSED UP, SECRETIVE, BROKEN APART..WHAT?'

My family is pretty okay. Actually, they're more than okay. My dad basically makes his living on the perception that we're a run-of-the-mill, All-American family. Which, disgustingly enough, they- we- are. I'm the youngest of five kids, and the only girl. It's not nearly as miserable as it sounds, believe it or not. I kind of like having my brothers around to look out for me, and it always made it really easy for me to talk to guys and stuff, and it kind of made me tougher (you pretty much have to be, growing up with four big brothers around to beat me up). We're all blonde and blue-eyed- my mom's Scandinavian, I think, and my dad's family has been here forever but they were Northern Italians, so that's where that comes from. My mom says she comes from money- which means we get the best Christmas presents from our maternal grandparents every year- and my dad had more of a hard-knock upbringing. And by that, I mean upper middle class, but he plays up the 'average joe' thing during election season, so we pretend like he grew up dirt poor and made his fortune through classic hard work and sweat. He did make part of it that way, so it's not like it's some huge lie. He's a senator, but as far as politicians go, he's a pretty good guy. I'd probably vote for him, if I was eighteen- even if he wasn't my dad and the only Republican running and an incumbent. He's honest. Not a lot of people are, these days.

My mom is a 'housewife', which I think just means that she spends the whole day bugging whatever staff is at the house and bringing my dad lunch when he's in the office and shopping. Whatever works for her, I guess. Then, of course, there are my brothers. Everyone's always fascinated in them, which I guess kind of makes sense because they're so different. Out of all of them, I think Thomas- the oldest, he's 23- is most like me. He's really smart but people don't give him much credit for it because he's a firefighter, and he definitely has that hero complex going on. People say he smiles a lot and that he's really open and friendly- which is true. He really gets me- he was the one that let me get totally smashed last year when things got really hard, and I stayed at his apartment and he covered for me with my parents. That was cool of him... especially because they caught him- well, me, I drunk dialed- and totally read him the riot act. He was okay with it, he's just.. like that. Then there's Timothy- who used to go by Tim but now it's back to Timothy. People think he's the smartest out of all of us- he got all of dad's political aspirations and all of mom's good breeding. It's a good combination- it works for him- but he's probably the brother I'm the least close to. We used to be pretty good friends- I genuinely love all of my brothers- but now he's kind of... conceited. Difficult to talk to, that's for sure. Next is Taylor, who cracks me up. He has a quick sense of humor and he's a total hippie, which is unfortunate because he was the only one of us that got curly hair (from our paternal grandfather, apparently, but he's bald now), and he wears it long and frizzy and crazy. He's into tie-dye and hemp, but everyone that meets him really likes him. Even if he is a vegan and is always pissing our dad off at the dinner table because apparently this is made with dairy or that is manufactured in a sweat shop or something... still, he has good intentions.

Then... there's me and Tyler. I think it's hardest for us, so God made us twins. That way we kind of had a built-in support system, you know? According to the doctor that delivered us, odds of us being twins were super slim, because we're fraternal and it doesn't run in our family at all. We were just a fluke... which we're okay with. Tyler is basically my complete opposite. He's really sensitive and really quiet- if he had any talent, he'd probably be a poet. He tried it for about a week and realized he sucked, so there went that habit. He's the one I can literally talk to anything about and expect sound advice- usually it's kind of touch-and-go with the others. I'm closest to him, but I don't think it's really because he's my twin. I think it's because he gets how hard it is to go through life as 'one of the Grace kids'. He understands what it's like when the football coach gets excited because he could be 'the next Thomas Grace', or when the debate coach is stoked about 'Timothy's brother and sister' (okay, so I might have perpetuated that one myself, but whatever). He knows what it's like when people assume you're a vegan because your brother is, or even when people dismiss you because you can't possibly be 'as good as your brother'. He was the only one that wasn't surprised when I asked to leave Connecticut. He totally got why I wanted to go to a place that had probably never heard of Robert Grace or any of the Grace brothers- and he totally knew why he couldn't come with me. He offered to come out here with me, though, for this year, after what happened. He understood why I had to do it alone.

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'WOW, NICE FAMILY TREE. WELL WHAT ABOUT YOUR HISTORY, WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE SO

FAR'

That's a really hard one! There was this one time, when I first came to Dayton, when I met a bunch of people- I don't even remember who it was, now- in the hallway. They introduced themselves, and I gave them my name. One of them looked up and looked at me funny and went, "Grace? Tegan Grace?" I thought for sure she'd heard of my brothers or my dad or something and I was going to have to find some other school to go to, after I'd picked this one so carefully because it was so far from home. All she said, though, was, "that's a cool name." It was awesome and terrifying, all at the same time.

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'HOW ABOUT YOUR WORST MEMORY?'

Do I even have to go into that? I don't like to dwell on it... okay. Here goes. It was that day- you know what day I'm talking about, don't you?- and, god, it must have been just a little bit past lunchtime. They'd started in the cafeteria, and I'd been there. I saw it, I saw people die. I should have been thinking about him, I should have texted him and told him to get out, that they were coming his way, I should have wanted nothing more than to be with him just then. I didn't. I was too busy being moody and staring into my applesauce and trying to think of ways to break the news to him that we just weren't working anymore, and... then it all happened so fast that I don't even really remember what happened next. I know that the kid with the gun stopped at our table, looked at me- straight in my face- and left. He didn't touch me. I still remember staring at him, totally sure he was going to pick up his gun and shoot me, point-blank. And then when he walked away, when I was still alive... I think I was in shock, a little, when people started running for the doors, I just let myself get caught up in the shuffle and migrated outside to the 'safe area'- which was bullshit because it was in the open, but it was in a place where there were a bunch of teachers and we wouldn't be in the way of the ambulances. I was talking to someone and I looked up and... I saw them. The Stellers- all three of them- were getting into the back of an ambulance, but one of them was on a stretcher and didn't look like he was conscious... and I didn't know which one it was. I was standing far away and they were identical, and... I just couldn't tell. Over the year and a half I'd known them, of course, I'd gotten to know Riley's sort of... steady power, his constant unintentional brood, plus Brayden had this almost childish energy- it was pretty much what everyone loved about him, whether they could put their fingers on it or not. It was too far away, though, and I couldn't tell which one was climbing into the ambulance and which was being lifted, and in that first instant... I didn't know who I wanted it to be. That was the worst part, the frantic realization that my little prayer that Riley was okay meant that my boyfriend was the one who'd been shot. I hated myself more in that moment- and because of that moment- than I ever had in my entire life. It was awful, and I spend every day trying to forget something I'll always remember.

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'WELL THATS GOOD, I THINK IVE ASKED EVERYTHING I NEED TO ASK, IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WISH TO TELL ME

BEFORE I GO?'

When everybody got back to school and treated me like I was some kind of poor, widowed, soul I kind of... liked it. Don't get me wrong, I was sad. I was miserable. But... I don't know if I was more upset because Brayden was gone or because I knew I'd probably never get to speak to Riley again. How screwed up is that?

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THE ROLEPLAYER

'HI FROM THE ADMINS, WHAT CAN WE CALL YOU?'

emily!

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'AND HOW OLD ARE YOU?'

eighteen, fools! newly legal!

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'COOL COOL, WHAT IS YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH RPING?'

i dunno, like... six years now? sheesh.

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'SO, WE WERE WONDERING... BE HONEST! DID YOU READ THE RULES?'

....i skimmed 'em... kinda.

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'ALRIGHT, ONE LAST THING. WOULD YOU EVER BE WILLING TO HELP ME ADMIN IF WE NEEDED IT?'

obviously.

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hiya! just so yah know
this template was made by THATGIRLLAUREN?!
at CAUTION 2.0. if i ever find out
that you stole my form without crediting,
i will send my mutant hampster squiggles after
you! kaybye [:

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